Ode to Insanity
I want to cry so badly, but the tears won’t come. My feelings are in disarray. My mind can’t compute what my emotions are screaming. All I know is I’m uncomfortable, depressed, angry, hurt, anxious and alone. No matter how much someone can relate or express their sympathies, it doesn’t change the fact that no one else can understand the deep deep dark hole I live in. Every day is masked by smiles. My pain shadowed by laughter. Inside I wail. A long melancholy wail that can only be described by grief incarnate. At the want and willingness to give up sanity and mindfulness to the utter bliss of ignorance and self-will. That which I want is wrong. That which I desire does not want me back. Life has become a cruel jest. a never ending punishment for a wrong I cannot clearly identify. Which way points towards happiness? I will never know. I swim up and find myself at the bottom. I swim down, hoping to drown but wake knowing that the easy path is hidden from me. I am barred the leisure of happiness. Mine is a path of personal despair. Then why can I not cry out? I want to sooo badly. I want to break down, to plead insanity, no contest, to lose myself from this bleak reality when my mind can create a world of light romantic hope. As much as I toil to change my encumbered fate my optimism has turned to ashes in my mouth. The taste bitter and morose. I want to die. I will not for naught. I can only die for purpose. I suppose my happiness is not and will never be THAT important. Torture me, break me down, drag me through the mud. I hope it works. But know the outcome. I will still be here. The scars will still be here. I will be just that much closer to the demented paradise I yearn for. I await the breaking of my last straw with such intensity that the sun no longer shines. If death holds no sanctuary for me, then surely I must go mad. It seems appropriate that I should throw my bandages to the wind and let the wind carry my personal madness to the four corners of this world. Judgment free, not a care in the world. Only in my madness will I find true happiness. Oh dementia! I yearn for thee! I cannot hope for a stranger but more appropriate fate. This is my true heart’s desire. I no longer believe in this world. It is full of hate and wrong, and my innocence is slowly being sapped away. I miss the person I was and hope that in my dreams, I can find him again. To remember the beating of a warm heart full of compassion and love and understanding. Where are you?!? I need you! God help me, one way or the other.
